Letters of Love

<3

On Wednesday I go to see a neurologist for the first time. He’s going to give me a consultation — which means I have to tell him the whole story, all over again — and then he’s going to do an EMG (AKA an electromyogram). According to Wikipedia, an EMG is “a technique for evaluating and recording the activation signal of muscles.” Apparently “a needle electrode is inserted through the skin into the muscle tissue,” and the neurologist reads the electromyograph. It sounds painful and I’m not excited about it.

Last night, while Mike and I sat in the ER waiting for someone to come stitch his thumb up, we started talking about my chronic pain. I don’t really like talking about it, because it’s really depressing to me. I’m starting to feel it in my legs, too, and I’m just so frustrated because I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it. I feel like I’m going in circles.

It’s maddening. Some nights I lie awake just crying because I am in so much pain. It doesn’t seem fair. I mean, I’m pretty healthy. I’m a smoker, yeah, but I don’t do any drugs or any heavy drinking. I get a cold from time to time but I don’t have any major health problems — aside from depression. The pain just adds to it. I feel so helpless. It’s a lot different from the depression I’ve faced before. I’ve never been good at being helpless. I hate having to stop whatever I’m doing to wait out the pain. I hate dropping random things or not being able to carry things I used to be able to handle. I hate laying awake crying with nothing to make it better.

I’m tired of doctors telling me what it’s not and then either ditching me or sending me to someone else. I just want one doctor to care, to try and take care of me. I’m hoping my new physician will be that doctor. Then again, who knows.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what the neurologist says.

=)

<3

That’s horrible, lol =/

<3

my secret:
sometimes, I hate myself for things I’ve done that can never be taken back.

I feel awful. I woke up with my throat burning and even though it’s better now, I keep getting hot flashes. Yuck. I have a feeling I won’t be going to work tomorrow.

That’s not why I’m posting, though. @juliebonnheath Tweeted about a homeless young girl and her mother who were evicted from their apartment. Liz and Katy have been through an awful lot. I’ve read through a little of each of their blogs and from what I gather, Liz is a single mom and the two of them have always just been able to make ends meet.

Right now they are just barely making it.

Their story is not uncommon. I think it really hits home with me because if it weren’t for my grandparents, my sister, parents and I would not have anywhere to go. We were evicted from our apartment over three years ago, suddenly and without warning. We didn’t have the money to get another place. We are still struggling and still don’t have a place of our own. If it weren’t for my Noni and Popi, we would be doing the same as Liz and Katy. They are literally living off of what people are donating to them, able to stay in a hotel only because of those donations. At first they were sleeping in their car — if they weren’t kicked out of whatever parking lot they chose to park in for the night.

Please, please help them however you can. Send a letter to lift their spirits. Send a few bucks to help them get groceries and stay in the hotel. Link to their blogs in your blog. Twitter their story. You can send them a note or some money at the following address:

Elizabeth and Katy Hughes
PO Box 111525
Campbell, CA 95011

Let’s band together and help Liz and Katy.

(Cross-posted to Perpetual Smile.)

my secret:
I feel as if I’ve been set free from the chains, finally.

I could hear the sobs from across the street. The whirling snow obscured her from me. I couldn’t tell if she was a little girl or a young woman. As I got closer to the crosswalk, I saw that she was sitting on the wall, her face buried in her hands. Her wracking, heavy sobs echoed off of the tall downtown buildings. Several cars drove past, their drivers completely oblivious. A group of people — perhaps a family — walked by and ignored her.

The WALK symbol came on, a glowing white neon figure. I stepped carefully into the street, trying not to fall and debating whether I should say anything to her. I couldn’t ignore her. Her cries broke my heart, and I wondered if she could be lost. I tried to remember where the police station was so I could point her in the right direction.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked as I stepped onto the snow-piled sidewalk. I still thought she might be a little girl — until she looked up at me.

She had startling blue eyes, and her cheeks were red from crying and the cold. Her long blond hair hung in damp tendrils around her face. She looked younger than me, but she was probably a couple years older. “He left me,” she moaned, and burst into tears again.

“What’s wrong?” The snow swirled around us as the wind blew. I didn’t even notice it.

“My boyfriend’s in jail and it’s all my fault!” The words rushed together as she cried them.

“If he’s in jail, hon, he isn’t worth it. How is it your fault?” I searched her face for bruises. Though her cheeks were red, she didn’t look as if the boyfriend in question had hit her or anything. Still, I was suspicious.

“I smoke weed and I let him smoke with me,” she said. “And now he’s in jail and it’s all my fault. Now I have nowhere to go.”

“It’s not your fault, sweetie. He has his own free will. He’s his own person.”

“You don’t understand,” she told me. She sounded so broken. My heart broke every time I heard her speak. “I’ve been doing this for six years. Every time he gets arrested and they take him from me… It’s always my fault.”

“Honey. He makes his own decisions. It’s not your fault.” I didn’t know how else to convince her. She just kept shaking her head, and every time she blamed herself she only cried harder.

“And now I have no place to go,” she said.

“Is there a relative you can stay with?” I asked. She shook her head. “A friend?” She shook her head again.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Well,” I said. “You should probably get inside somewhere. It’s too cold.”

“I know. I just… I just have to think. I don’t know what to do. I’ll call one of my friends.”

“Do you have a cell phone to call someone?” I wanted to cry with her. I couldn’t do anything for her. I couldn’t just give her a cigarette and make it all better. I couldn’t whisk her away and make everything all right again.

She nodded. “I’ll call ‘em. I just need to think for a minute.”

“Okay,” I said softly. “I hope everything works out for you.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“Take care of yourself,” I said, and she burst into tears again.

“Thank you,” she choked out.

I walked away slowly and started to cry. There was nothing I could do for this girl who was so obviously in a lot of trouble. I couldn’t save her. I could only hope that the few minutes I had spent with her had made a difference, that maybe she would see this guy was a total waste of time.

So, yesteday was my sixth session with my therapist. She has diagnosed me with depression, and she thinks that medication would be very helpful to me, just to get me out of this rut I’m stuck in. I’m actually excited about it, a little, because at least now I know what’s wrong with me.

Here lately, I’ve been looking a lot into student exchange. I found out I can get a scholarship that will pay for everything, including the plane ticket and such. The only money I would really need is for stuff when I get there. At first, my parents were very iffy about it, but I told them that I plan to babysit as much as possible, and I’ll be working this summer, making ten dollars an hour, and I’ll save everything I make. To make sure I won’t spend any of it, I’ll probably make a bank account, so that it’s out of reach for me. Now, they’re kind of going for it, because they see how much I want it. I’ll probably go either the second semester of my tenth grade year or the first semester of my eleventh grade year, and I’ll most likely be going to either Italy or Australia. I’m so excited! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I can get the scholarship and save up enough money to take with me so that my parents won’t have to give me anything unless they want to.

<3 Happy new years eve.